#PoundTake
Making My Way
I can’t remember ever really missing my father. How do you miss something that wasn’t ever really there? I knew what a father was, I knew kids had them, I knew his name, but mine was absent for some reason. I don’t think any of us had an ideal childhood, but I imagine most people have a favorite childhood memory. I have plenty of memories, but none include my dad. Homie had been AWAL most of my life. He shows up for appearances after my hard work was over. He comes to graduations, graduation parties; he even invites himself to our family cookouts. With the holidays right around the corner, it begs the question if he’ll show his face at one of our gatherings this year. I only ask because it will be pretty awkward seeing him since he found out about my sexuality. Instead of bottling things in, I’d like to vent my frustrations and share my weird relationship with my father in this PoundTake.
I finally get what it feels like to have a parent treat you differently after you come out to them. That was not the case with my mother. My mother has been the most understanding and patient human being when it came to my sexuality. If anything, I was the one who made things awkward. My mother is nosey just like me, so obviously, she wants the tea on my love life, in which I had to shut her down. But my father came late to the party. For whatever reason, he found out ten years later, and now he needs “time to process.” How much time does he need? That was all discussed in an exchange of text messages after the 4th of July. I’m not asking him to go to the gay club with me. I was asking him to be an adult and to have a sit down with his son to get any clarity he may need. This “clarity” or “closure” is not for me, but for him. It would mainly consist of me reiterating that him not being a figure in my life had nothing to do with me being gay. It’s mind-boggling that someone who had so little to do with my life is now all up in arms over my choices.
My dad says he’s offended that he had to find out on the radio rather than a phone call. Something as sensitive as this, I did not want to speak over the phone about it, and besides, I’m not just going to bring it up out of the blue. That “the way I found out” nonsense is a copout. That’s the same excuse that cavaliers fans used when LeBron said, “I’m taking my talents to South Beach.” He’s upset because it was news he wasn’t expecting or wanted to hear. It works out for me, though, because I don’t need to subject myself to his “I’ve changed” bullshit. He saw his opportunity to run out of my life again and took it. So, again I can’t miss something I never really had. I’m slowly but surely, making my way through life on my own.