I’m not sure how deep this PoundTake will get, but I assure you I am writing this in a much better mood than I was yesterday. I’m not sure why this birthday bothers me so much. I really don’t like making a big deal about birthdays because after 21...shit does not make you feel good anymore. This year hit especially hard because it feels doubly lonely due to the pandemic. I didn’t even feel like getting out of bed yesterday. I wanted my birthday canceled. I’m not one for a huge house party (don’t want crusty bitches sitting on my furniture and leaving pubes on my toilet seat). I much rather go on a trip or go clubbing and reminisce of my whorish past. This was my first birthday in quarantine and it really did a number on my mental health. I’m going to express to you why it’s okay to not be okay sometimes.
I know there are more pressing issues in the world, but I feel like with everything else going on, holidays, birthdays, joyous occasions, can now seem draining and come with guilt. I received lovely gifts (which are completely unnecessary, but lovely nonetheless) from my roommates & co-workers. I got off work and then tried to distract myself from my thoughts. I can be really hard on myself as far as my career, finances, family issues, etc. That’s why I don’t take as long poops as I used to. That’s where I make all my hard decisions and by the time I’m done, I can’t feel my lower half anymore. Even my afternoon dumps have been affected by the pandemic. I know every birthday above ground should be celebrated, but 2020 comes with so much uncertainty and leaves me with too much anxiety.
In closing, I wanted my birthday canceled; I wanted my aging reversed and all things rollover to next year. Why should I have to be officially pushing 30 this year when I didn’t even use it? And for those of you saying, “Ugh, stop making this all about you, everyone gets older and everyone has problems. Deal with it.” I am dealing with it. The best way I know how; eating edibles and watching The Parkers. Worst birthday ever and it’s nobody’s fault. I will take solace in the hope that it can only go up from here *fingers crossed*. And if it doesn’t get better, it’s my birthday and I’ll throw a pity party if I want to.