Bug-out Bag

I have to be honest. If the end of the world is near, I’m okay ending with it. I know that sounds really morbid, but hear me out. I am a man who enjoys the many luxuries modern civilization provides. To have it all stripped from me suddenly, would almost be too big a burden to bear. Don’t co-sign with me just yet, Karens. I’m not talking about being inconvenienced in a grocery store by having to wear a mask. I’m talking about not having a grocery store at all. I’m not prepared to hunt for my chipotle burrito; I want it at the touch of a button, napkins & silverware included. My mother told me weeks ago that the world is going to shit, and we’re too poor for a doomsday shelter, so the next best thing is to have a “bug-out bag” ready for when everything hits the fan. Let me tell you why I give myself one week to live.

I would imagine that when the world ends, the first thing to go is electricity and telecommunications. No modes of transportation. No National Guard. I will legit have to fend for myself with no outside interference. I’m sure you’re all wondering, “what’s in your bug-out bag?!” Thanks for asking. I stopped at the gas station a week ago and got nonperishable food items such as Slim Jims, water, uncooked Ramen noodles (so I can eat it like Rice Krispies), and two toddler size cups of applesauce. That’s all I really had room for in my backpack and I can probably survive on those alone for like four days.

I sometimes surprise myself at how uncoordinated I am now. I was once a carpenter believe it or not! I have my certificate and everything. And yet, if I had to go live in the woods and make a fort, a bitch couldn’t even make a lean-to. I can’t even change my oil or a tire in real life, I damn sure can’t make a fire or weapons, and my black ass ain’t climbing no god damn tree! When I was a kid, our country ass neighbors shot a raccoon and we ate it for dinner one night. It still haunts me seeing that thing skinned sitting in our sink before we cooked it. There is NO WAY I’d be able to do that in the wild. I don’t think I have the heart to kill an animal. I felt hella guilty and cried myself to sleep after I accidentally hit a possum on my way home one night. Hunting animals has never been my thing (unless we’re talking about the other type of bears) and I’m sure I’d be a bigger target for them than they would for me.

I’d be completely unprepared for an apocalypse right now. I need to develop more life and survival skills. I’m not sure how I’d become “macho man” all of a sudden when I’m still terrified of most insects. If there’s a catastrophic explosion, an asteroid that hits earth, or Donald Trump gets elected to a second term, just take me out. I’m no use to your “new world civilization,” I’m just going to sneak through your colony in the middle of the night and steal all your snacks.

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