Stay Yo Ass Home
I’m frightened. I’m confused. I’m upset. I’m aggravated. I’m also horny. Horny is probably the main reason I’m writing on this topic. If I can’t have any fun, neither should you! It’s no secret that this pandemic has left many people lonely, present company included. I haven’t had any (fill in the blank) since mid-February (see past column Be Kind for details). Since then I’ve been celibate. I’ve been 100% celibate. I’m not a cheater like some of you. I know that at some point something’s gotta give and we have to go back to “normal,” whatever that means now. I did NOT expect that to be so soon. A few businesses open up and so do you. I should have known that a lil pandemic won’t stop you hoes from getting one off.
It’s been a long, lonely, anxiety-filled road, dealing with this all by myself. Sex has always been my vice before anything. You people think you’re so original and cool sneaking out to get laid. Some of you are trying to pull off a modern day speakeasy, but the only thing easy is you! Let me be the first to tell you, you’re NOT original. I was legendary in these streets (and in the sheets tehe), which makes what we’re going through now that much harder. I am hurting like the rest of you, we all have needs, and I get it. But y’all cannot just be doing the whole booty call thing in the middle of a pandemic. It’s gross. I am not the one to slut shame, believe me, but you lil whores deserve it. We’re supposed to be social distancing. You can’t social distance if you call someone over and then chow down like it’s a Chick-Fil-a. That’s just tacky, selfish & unholy
Now I’m gonna talk to my community in particular. Gays, we know better. We know what it’s like to have a plague wipe us out rapidly and have the government not give a crap about it. We have to protect ourselves, and I’m not just talking about PrEP & condoms. We’re gonna have to sacrifice a little. I tried to establish another human connection with guys I was interested in via Tinder. I just figured, “what the hell?” I know I’m not bringing anyone over for a hot tub nightcap, so what harm could it do to have my deck stacked after all this is over? I was utterly flabbergasted at the number of guys trying to pull up. What started as a friendly flirtation, ego boost, and pic exchange, quickly turned into making me question, “Am I the crazy one?!”
I know we can’t keep ourselves locked inside forever, nor do we want to. I just know the sooner we take the proper precautions, the sooner we can be done with this mess and get back to clapping cheeks. We have to be responsible for ourselves and our loved ones. Nowhere in the social distancing guidelines does it say “If you’re gonna hook up with a rando, make sure it’s in a vehicle or in a sleazy motel room.” Please be considerate because lives are at stake. That’s a lot to swallow; if you pardon the pun. There are other routes you can take that still get the job done and won’t potentially infect someone. Stay safe, stay horny, but most importantly, stay yo ass HOME!