Christmas is right around the corner and if you're like me then you're way behind on your Christmas shopping. Maybe you forgot, maybe you don't have any money, or maybe you just don't care.
Well whichever it is, I have few simple tricks to make it seem like you at least tried.
IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS
Christmas is full of cliches. As annoying as they are they can also be a blessing in disguise. Sayings like "Tis better to give than to receive" and "It's the thought that counts" can easily be exploited.
Take advantage of people's good intentions by pulling a George Costanza and telling people you're donating money in their name. Or explain that you got them an excellent gift but the package was stolen off your porch. Minimal Photoshop skills can be used to fabricate evidence of either of these gift giving shortcuts.
GRINCH IT UP
Depending on how terrible a person you are, stealing is an option. In the age of Amazon Prime, package theft has never been easier or more prevalent. Just be careful who you steal from because some people take package theft quite seriously and aren't afraid to take revenge into their own hands.
Stealing and lying might not be your cup of tea, which is understandable. Turning back to Seinfeld for inspiration we are reminded of another tactic that frees dummies like you and me from purchasing presents. REGIFTING! Chances are you've been given some crap that you've never opened and there is no shame in regifting that junk to another acquaintance. The key to regifting is keeping worlds from colliding. Gifts from work can go to distant family members and vice versa but regifting within a close group will lead to all sorts of hurt feelings and you'll likely be ostracized by your loved ones.
I actually love a handmade gift as long as it's made by someone with actual skill. Last year my mom made me a blanket that reminded me of the blanket she made me as a child and I absolutely cherish it. The problem with a guy like me is I have no skills when it comes to making things with my hands. The rule here is, if you're a child or have an actual skill, then handmade gifts are fine. I'm neither of those. Getting a handmade pine-cone Christmas Tree ornament from a 35 year old man is embarrassing to all parties involved (but it at least it won't be regifted).
If I were to get anything this chick makes in this video from a friend or family member I'd light it on fire in front of their face. Those crafts are just garbage you're friend wants you to wait a year to throw away.
GIFT CARDS OR CASH OR HUGS
When it's all said and done gift cards and cash are always acceptable, and in many cases preferable gifts. Can't afford a gift card? No problem. Give a hug and start sobbing uncontrollably. You really have to sell it though. Just ball your eyes out to the point of hyperventilating while apologizing profusely for not getting them anything. The recipient will be so uncomfortable that just getting away from you will be the only present they need this holiday season. As a bonus, letting all that sadness out will actually feel like a cathartic release and will improve your mental state. Merry Christmas! - Bill
Follow Me on @Twitter— Dec 23 at The Alex Theater (@billsquire) February 21, 2017